Letters

Dear N,

Didn't I ban myself from writing to you months ago..? Ah, well. It was your turn to make contact tonight, apparently, by suggesting I download an Eric Clapton album- which would bring me back to the last time we spoke, which was because of an Eric Clapton joke. It reminded me, then, of your comment that you hated conversations on statuses- "that's what AIM was made for."

I didn't IM you, though your intent was to make me. I wrote on my boyfriends wall and had a 25-comment conversation on my status, instead.

Enjoy your excessive me-related notifications :]

S.

Dear Me,

Deep down, what do you really think your need to rub your happiness and indifference to him in his face means?

You'd better keep ignoring the feeling in the pit of your stomach that something's just a bit to the left of where it should be- that something's a bit off. Most of the time you feel just right in C's arms- just those times where he looks at you in that way- so indescribable- loving, grateful, reverent, emotional- and you have to duck your eyes away because you're not as amazed as he is. Even now you still don't really believe he's in love with you, not really- after all he's been through, all his insecurities, you think it's more gratitude, infatuation, and novelty than love. (That's cruel of you, but what do you ever think that isn't cruel?)

What you don't think is that you deserve it. Sure, your relationship is functional and healthy and real, but the balance is still so tipped. He keeps calling you the one, for Christ's sake, and you don't even know how to tell if you're falling in love with him. You don't know how to stop yourself from writing 3 AM letters to someone you told yourself to never become involved with again. You don't even know how to open up and trust him, though you keep telling yourself you do.

Ugh.

You.

(Dear anyone else,

Read: 

Dear N,
Suck it, you love me.
S.

Dear Self,
Suck it, you love him.
You.

Sam, with shame.)

Dear You,

*blush* I'm going to go all Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer here. We should have a pillow fight in our underwear or something. (Please know that I'm kidding, and what I actually mean.)

Dear the most kick-ass in-laws in creation,

NEXT TIME YOU SHARE! Kidding again, lame Family Guy reference, I know, but hopefully it brought a laugh, and not the opposite reaction.

Much Love,
Aimee

Dear Dad,

Not writing anything in that Christmas card was colder than not sending one at all. I wish you'd realize what you do to yourself.

Unfortunately, you raised your children right - we stick together. So, when will you realize that when you hurt one of your children, you hurt them all?

Your other daughter awaits her apology, and I can guarantee she'd welcome you with open arms if you'd only say you were sorry and promise not to let your wife meddle in our affairs and criticize our mother ever again.

I, however, am not so good at forgiving, and I am even worse at forgetting.

Sincerely,

Your Eldest

Dear you,

      You probably picked the best fucking time in the world to leave me.  Now you don't have to deal with or even think about all the "awesome" things happening in my life.   Like how dad just put his bank account into an 800 negative balance and won't get paid for like two weeks.  So yeah, we're pretty fucking screwed.  He's gonna try to borrow money against my car.  So from now on both my home and car will be in danger.  Who knows, i could be living in a cardboard box by next week at this point.  But at least now you don't have to deal with it.  Thanks for bailing on me right before I needed you most in life. 
      You're not grown up or more mature than everyone else like you think.  A mature person doesn't just throw away what we had.  A mature person doesn't expect she can just treat someone like shit, leave them, break their heart and then expect to be friends like it never happened.  You're more immature now than you've ever been, and the way you act just makes you come off as a stuck up ass. 
      I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this.  You're so beyond me at this point.  You were way beyond me the moment you decided you didn't love me anymore and that I wasn't worth trying to love.  You called it a hissy fit, but the fact is I really do wish we'd never met.  I wish I hadn't spent several years of my life loving you, taking care of you, and helping you overcome depression.  How many other people tried to help you with any of it?  Last time I checked the only help anyone offered you was calling you a dumbfuck and yelling at you, cuz that helps so much.  

Merry F@($l#% Christmas,
Me



P.S.  You broke my heart and treat me like dirt now.  Guess what? You SHOULD feel guilty.  

dear driving instructor:

thank-you for having faith in me and passing me on my driving test today. you have boosted my confidence a bit and i feel awesome. thank-you so much. : )

Dear "Friend",

What did I do to deserve this? It seems like everywhere I go, every time I think that I may just be okay, I'm hit with either a rush of resentment (and/or other angry/irritated emotion), or everything grinds to a complete halt before it even begins. It seems that you seem to enjoy making me look like a fool, and motivating everyone to hate on me.

When I'm standing in the kitchen and you guys are downstairs in that little alcove area, I can hear you. Why the hell would I be a poor-sport, a coward, ect.? I wasn't even hanging around with you guys! I'm always on the outside looking in, as none of you want anything to do with me. It's like a big, giant hypocritical circle, and I'm bloody sick of it.

Plus, the fact that you got my cousin to say things about me really made me angry. I know that I'm a little more solitary than everyone else, and that E probably hates my guts anyways, but I have enough problems with my family. Of course, you would know everything about that, wouldn't you? My parents love you a lot more than they love me.

I was actually looking forward to today, and you ruined it.

Much disdain, me.

- - -

Dear Mother,

I don't want to see you. I don't want to even talk to you. Every time I have a "visit" with you, I come out of it more angry and confused than before. I swear to god, once you start talking you drive around in circles for hours before we even start towards our destination. You need help, and you need to get over what happened in this house. You're stronger than this... or you were once.

No love, me.

- - -

Dear Step-mum (to be),

I do not need to know about you and my dad's sex life. Just hearing about it makes me want to vomit. Bragging about your bedroom exploits doesn't add to my respect for you, it just makes me not want to talk to you for two weeks. Again.

Me.

- - -

Dear E,

Just because you don't think something is funny, doesn't mean other people have to bend the same way. I really resent you sometimes - you act so fucking condescending, like I'm some kind of stupid child that doesn't know anything. Well, you know what, I'll like what I want to, and I will do what I want. There's nothing you can do about that, no matter how much of a drama queen you are. Part of me is looking forward to the day you get on that plane and fly back to NB.

Ticked, me.

Dear You,

Are you really mad because I laughed at a funny joke? Come on, that was really genuinely funny, regardless of feelings. Someone who hates him probably would have laughed at that. Not to mention, I'M A MARRIED WOMAN. And I have self-control, because that was a joke. The "soulcest" thing, also a joke.

I don't know, maybe there's no problem and I'm being paranoid, and I don't want to dig any holes that may or may not exist any deeper. For example, if I were to say, "I like you. You remind me of me," I would mean that as a joke, poking fun at the misconceptions people have about me where they think I'm this conceited, loathesome creature, while also meaning that I see a lot of personality traits we have in common which translates to me as a wide open opportunity for friendship. But the picture my mind is painting of how you'd actually take that is making me want to cry. :( When I speak it tends to be a lose/lose situation because people are going to believe what they want to believe and only hear what they want to hear in my words, and it's enough to drive a person mad, trust me. I would imagine you listen to a lot of venting about that very same thing, actually.

I guess I'll quit while I'm still breathing.

Love,
Aimee

P.S. The fangirl icon is also a joke.

Dear You,
Please just let me go.
I'm not strong enough to ignore you.
But I need you out of my life.
This can't go on anymore.
You won't change my mind.
Goodbye.
Love,
me

Dear boy,
Yeah, this is awkward. Last night was so awkward too. I should have talked to you, or I wish you would have talked to me. Except for its kind of wrong, because I'm probably only attracted to you because you remind me of him. Yet, I feel like I lost a good chance. I hope we make something more of it next time. If there is a next time.
-girl you don't really even know

Dear "you",

Why do I feel like we could be positively amazing together. Why do I feel like you have no balls and that I am going to have to make all the moves? I want you to take a chance on me because I know we could make each other happy. I feel like we are the same person and that's why it's so hard for us to get to that point. Hope you're enjoying your break.

Miss you a tiny bit,
T

I don't want sex before marriage. I've been changed by a song. a song. True Love Waits. I'm sure it does. Me.

Dear Emily,

I can not wait to look at christmas lights with you tomorrow. I love just hanging out with you.. you're pretty incredible, you know.

J

p.s. I've really been missing you at work. Why did you have to get yourself fired?

Shay,

Ugh! Really? Because we're supposed to be moving day. Why did you have to go and back out last minute? I know you said you're trying.. so maybe things will work out within the next month. But right now it just really sucks.

J

Aryn,

Wow. I never thought we'd get to this point where we actually have to work to make time for each other. And it's never the same as it used to be. I miss those days so much.

J

Kathryn,

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!? You're so difficult to buy for haha!

Love you!
J

oh and p.s. I am so glad you're not moving to Seattle. I know you're bummed about it, so I feel bad for being so happy. I do feel bad for you, and I know you should have done wonderfully at school, but I would have missed you pretty intensely. You're one of the best parts of my life.

Dear snow and ice
I love you, but I really need you to melt away before Thursday!
I really want my aunt to come home for Christmas, and that can only happen if you go away.
So, please, please, please with a gingerbread-man on top!

Love
A snow lover (who really wishes to spend Christmas with her aunt)

dear... everyone but you,

my lack of ability to interact with you is astounding. my level of human interaction is tenuous at best-- i can't relate to you, i can't think about you, i can't converse with you. when i talk to you i feel hollow and vile. i feel like this is all just an act, just for one of us to get something out of it. i don't know which one.

i don't know what to do about this. but i know that interacting with you is probably what i need right now, and i hate that. the only person i want to talk to, i want to be with, the only person that understands me and makes me feel better is right down the street and can't talk to me right now. might as well be the other side of the planet.

i don't know when i turned into a marionette. i am subhuman. i am going through the motions, living solely off of base instincts. they are not survival instincts. they are memories executed solely out of habit. i am doing what i know because it's all i remember, and if i try to think for myself i will surely collapse. lack of thought is all that keeps me going. alcohol and sleep are my two chief weapons in the fight against thinking and slowly but surely i will win the war.

this is the american dream. this is what so many films idealize, so many television shows demonstrate. living in such heartbreak that normal functioning becomes impossible. i continue to function on the surface level, but it is robotic and crude. i am but a shell, drifting through what has somehow become my life. i await the arrival of a new cruel wind to blow me in a different direction... surely some change must be better than this.

when you read this, nothing will change. the lack of presence in our interactions is a willful choice and i have no interest in changing it. i am absent, now, and will be for quite some time. forgive me for my vacant stares and cliched responses.

--me

S,

Quit calling us stalkers, when you do the EXACT same thing as us. You look at our journal the same as we do yours.

Hypocrite much?

And the only reason we ever look at anything you post, is because you trash talk us on LG and all.

Just quit acting like you are all that, YOU'RE NOT.

Pretending like we are the only ones causing this, when it is YOUR fault to, you are just acting like a stupid bitch.

I have never once posted anything bad about you in my journal, only on my letters in here, and if you read them, its because you CHOSE to. I read your letters when they regard ME. We have the same feature as you, the "My Guest" thing, we see that you stalk us too.

If you would ever just shut up and quit badmouthing people, we would never have problems. Ever. Me and R had both stopped writing about you. Now stop.

You need to just quit being an immature little brat.

~D

Dear Epoch: God of all that is awesome,

Thank you for delivering me upon a lost case of Horde Gamerfuel by Mountain Dew. You totally rock. But I guess you knew that already since you're the god of awesome. Anyways, thanks a lot.

Sincerely yours,
A humble servant of the coolness.

Dear You, How long are you going to be passive aggressive to me? How long are you going to make posts about how much you dislike me now and disrespect me.

I've tried to maturely ask you several times now to talk to me...I cared for you as a close friend. I always made sure I was there for you. I do one thing that you do not like, and you go cut-throat on me instead of sticking with me like a real friend should.

You are ignoring me. You are signing "off line" as soon as I sign on. You make passive aggressive posts implying how much better you are than me because you are upset that I am in a relationship now and slept with someone within a month of "knowing" them...within the first time going over their house...so that makes you cold to me. That makes you state over and over how I'm no longer the "same" person you became friends with.

I think you are acting very immature. You obviously don't want to talk to me about how you feel and try to keep a close friendship or settle your ill-feelings...yet you still enjoy posting and tweeting against me.

I wish you would tell me just to stop caring about you and what you are feeling...I wish you would just tell me to fuck off...because I loved you as a dear friend, and I thought the same for you to me...but I was wrong. I always seem to be wrong...

Maybe you had a crush on me, I don't know...I respected your boundaries though and never persuaded a relationship with you because you stated over and over you were not interested in having one. Perhaps you are jealous or upset now that I am with someone? Or maybe you are really just that mad at me for sleeping with someone so soon?

  I really don't appreciate the way you are acting. I have always stuck by your side...I always tried to help you...you don't talk to me for almost a week, and then when you finally do decide to comment to me, it is obviously something against me just as well...

Perhaps instead of being so angry with me, you should look at yourself...please grow up a bit and appreciate what a friendship is. You make it seem like as if I had gotten drunk, did some drugs, and slept with every person in town...yet you know me better...or at least I thought...